Now that I have turned 65 (soon to be 66), I am very discerning about the decisions I make.
Do I really need to bend down and pick up that napkin I dropped?
Do I fight to keep my eyes open and not go to sleep until 9pm?
So what if it’s only 4 p.m. and I feel like putting on my jammies.
One of the most challenging decisions I am in the process of making has to do with my hair color. To gray or not to gray, that is the question. My ‘old’ real hair color is dark brown, then came the blond (from a box), then light brown (again from a box, because let’s be honest, salons are not cheap!).
After all the years of color, what exactly is my ‘now’ hair color?
I have an answer for that! The mystery was solved during the covid lockdown when I could not access hair color. I waited with anticipation (and some potential dread) for my new color to emerge. Then the roots started getting longer and lo and behold the white hair began to emerge.
Fast forward 5 years, and it is quite evident what my new hair color is pure white. However, not all parts of me got the memo.
Armpits? Light brown with white.
Eyebrows? Light brown with white highlights.
Menopause mustache?
Jet black!
Each color variation had its benefits, but I no longer wish to have chemicals put on my head.
Still, I hesitated.
I used my left brained analytical side to do an age-old pro and con list.
I finished my list and was shocked by what I saw. My pro list was all about me and how I’d feel. My con list was all about how I think others would perceive me. There it was, side by side, one column was me honoring my feelings and the other column giving into what my fears of what may or may not happen.
This got me thinking (as epiphanies often do), how many times in my life have I put what I believed others would think/say/perceive over my own knowing to be true.
Was I willing to find out?
I began to see just how often I had handed my power away—more times than I could count.
I sat with it.
I felt it.
First came the tightening in my gut…then the tears. Many, many tears.
A wave of sadness washed over me—grief for all the times I twisted myself to fit into other people’s molds that were never meant for me. Grief for trying so hard to belong, and still never quite feeling like I did.
That familiar feeling of being an outsider… it was both lonely and oddly comforting. When I was younger, I thought something was wrong with me because I couldn’t seem to fit in. So, I shifted my strategy.
I worked so hard being a people-pleaser hellbent on anticipating everyone’s needs and not understanding why my herculean efforts were not appreciated. Surely, if I did everything right, I would be loved and accepted.
Even if no one asked.
Even if I didn’t actually know what they wanted.
I was trying to adjust to what simply didn’t fit.
Then I heard something Brené Brown said in an interview that stopped me in my tracks:
“True belonging never asks us to change who we are. It requires us to be who we are.”
Everything shifted.
Be who I am, what a concept!
As I sit on the cusp of letting go of old patterns (and fading hair color), what emerges is a confidence and knowing that my decision is truly mine. No outside influence, no second guessing myself and no longer afraid to shine.
So, if someone asks me about my white hair showing, I will simply smile and say, “That is my halo shining through. Isn’t it beautiful!”
Lisa Fontanella provides digital marketing and virtual assistant services to holistic practitioners and businesses. She is the proud author of the children’s book Crystal’s Quest: An Adventure into the World of Gemstones. Lisa is a Reiki Master, holistic practitioner, and empowerment coach.
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