Content warning – this post discusses suicidal thoughts and self-harm.
As far back as my memory takes me, I remember feeling sad for no apparent reason. I was about seven years old, long before depression was a word I understood. I remember Christmas mornings when everyone around me was happy, yet I felt overwhelming sadness. As I grew older, especially into my early teens, it became much worse.
I entered a physically abusive relationship with my first love, which led to a suicide attempt at age thirteen or fourteen. That resulted in hospitalization and a diagnosis of major depressive disorder. From that point on, my life became a cycle of trying antidepressants, finding brief relief, and then falling back into darkness.
At eighteen, I met my husband, whom I have now been with for over thirty years. We built a beautiful life together. We raised three children who are now grown, and I became a grandmother. From the outside, my life looked full and loving. Inside, I still dreaded waking up each morning. I once described my experience as being in labor for hours, only to be told I was nowhere close to delivery and had to endure much more. That was how living felt to me. I carried that feeling for decades.
Over thirty five years, I attempted suicide multiple times. I was broken and had lost hope. Then came an unbearable wave of loss. Over six years, I lost eight people who were deeply important to me, including my grandmother, my stepfather, my mother, my uncle, two aunts, my grandfather, and my cousin, who was also my best friend. After a falling out with her, something in me finally gave way. I knew I was at a crossroads. I would either be hospitalized, die, or change something.
In March 2024, I started a new job. That job emphasized self care, meditation, journaling, and time off. During one meeting, gratitude journaling was suggested. I remember thinking I had nothing to lose. So I searched for a gratitude journal and found the Gratitude App.
I began by simply answering the daily prompts. Around the same time, a friend told me she had learned how to love herself and said, “You have to love yourself before you can love others.” I thought that sounded absurd, but it stayed with me. While exploring the app, I found the 21 Day Self Love Course and decided to try it. I completed day one, then day two, and kept going until I finished the course.
Once I finished the 21 Day Self Love Course, I felt like a different person.
I added music therapy, listening to the songs shared in the course repeatedly. I began meditating every morning and evening, no matter what. I became consistent and determined. Gratitude, journaling, affirmations, meditation, and reflection became my non negotiable daily routine.
Slowly, I went from waiting to die every day to wanting to live. I wanted to experience everything life had to offer. I wanted to taste foods I had never tried. I wanted to spread this feeling to others. I went months without a depressive episode. Today, it has been eleven months without a single day of depression.
People tell me I have a sparkle in my eye and a glow to my skin. I feel it too.
I still have days with lower energy, but they are nothing like depression. I am grateful for my husband, my children, my grandchildren, and this next chapter of life. Most of all, I am deeply grateful for the Gratitude App. It has truly changed my life.
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