Trigger Warning: This story contains references to childhood abuse, discrimination, coercive relationships, suicidal ideation and self-harm. Please read with care.
My gratitude story is one that started with a significant resistance to gratitude. I was the one who would say, “stuff like that just won’t work for me.” I was the one who would say, “So much has gone wrong, what would I have to be grateful for?” My gratitude story ends up with me answering my own question.
Someone once told me that trauma was like living in a fog. I lived in fog for so long it took a long time for me to see again.
I was told that I used to be a very happy child, always bouncing off the walls, full of energy. At the same time, I carried secrets and stress that were heavy for someone my age. I had a developmental condition that affected communication and sensory regulation, and as I grew older, these challenges increased. I also experienced mistreatment from adults who were supposed to protect me.
My mother, whose anger grew throughout my childhood, would demand that I be grateful. She would say that I should be grateful I was not worse off than others.
As I got older, the challenges in my home and school environment escalated. There were daily arguments, begging to be heard, bullying, and a lack of acceptance for my gender identity and sexual orientation. An aching sadness followed me everywhere.
At 14, I entered a relationship marked by coercion and emotional harm. With little affection at home, I accepted it as the love I deserved. I believed no one would love me for who I was.
The things that gave me joy, like writing, drawing, listening to music, and watching TV, were gradually taken away.
This continued for 6 years until a demanding service program finally gave me distance and a sense of direction. I held on to dreams of education and a better future. Even after earning a degree, I struggled to keep jobs due to communication challenges and anxiety. The stress accumulated into severe mental health issues, chronic suicidal thoughts, and eventually an attempt.
After surviving, life slowly improved. I worked, married, and lived more independently, but something still felt missing. I had lingering self destructive patterns, rage, and burnout from struggling without boundaries. I kept hoping that therapy, medication, and hard work would eventually make everything better.
Then, one month before completing my graduate program, everything collapsed. My spouse and I had to move out of our home because of a health hazard. The financial and emotional strain intensified when I experienced a random hate incident while working. It retraumatized me. My mental health spiraled and I took leave from the job I was proud of.
My primary care doctor stepped in and said, “I’ll take care of all of your paperwork. You can’t go back to work like this.” He sent referrals for mental health programs. When therapists brought up gratitude, I reacted with frustration. Why should I be grateful? Grateful for what?
When the day program also suggested gratitude, I resisted again. I would leave the room, go outside, try to calm down. But every day after the program, I found myself sitting alone in a quiet park. Nature gave me space to breathe. I noticed the rushing water, the trees, the leaves changing colors. On the edge of falling apart, I found myself thinking, “Why me?”
No one told me to be grateful. Yet somehow, I felt something shift. Even small moments in nature felt grounding.
After the program ended, I sat in my therapist’s office and cried. I asked why one event had unraveled me so completely. He said, “Is this unraveling you or are you just ready to face it now?” He was right. My guard had been protecting me, but also hiding everything inside.
I learned to allow sadness without losing my forward motion. Gratitude and sorrow could exist together.
I began reconnecting with childhood joys. I sketched, journaled, watched old shows, played familiar games, and spent time with people who cared. Once I felt steady after returning to work, I started keeping a gratitude journal via the Gratitude App among others. I started tracking my emotions, writing affirmations of self-love, and taking gratitude challenges to lift my spirits and measure how much joy and love I needed to add to each day of my life.
Today, I walk hand and hand with my inner child, taking care of him and offering him a helping hand when he needs it. I make sure every day that we find something to be grateful for together so we can keep moving forward after we stop and smell the roses for a while.
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