I once heard that play is the work of children. But in our fast-paced technological times, we too often ignore this essential building block. We trade open-ended time in childhood with all of its unlimited possibilities for a far too long list of educational apps, enrichment programs, playdates, organized sports, forced music lessons and more — all of this being done in an attempt to advance and prepare our children.
We, as the over-scheduled and over-burdened adults in their lives, have come to believe that if our children are busy, have early exposure to computers, along with extracurriculars of all sorts, that as parents, we are doing our job. We have come to believe that the never-ending treadmill we are on, the anxiety generated by trying to keep up, and the competition we feel around other parents and what kid is doing what, is part of raising a healthy family now. That this is how we give our children all the “advantages” they need.
When I speak with friends who are elementary school teachers, what I hear most often is that kids have forgotten how to play, and that their ability to create from their own imagination is noticeably and alarmingly missing. This is nothing short of devastating. When these same teachers ban all talk or school projects based on movies, TV shows or video games, the children cannot come up with a single idea. They are absolutely stumped as to what they should write about when they cannot reference characters and themes that have come out of a screen.
For our children to be without imagination and play is the equivalent of imagining birds without wings. This is not natural. Creativity and play is the very heart, soul and essence of childhood. To watch it go missing is heartbreaking and soul crushing.
Children do not require external devices to bring their imagination alive. It’s important to remember that until recent decades, generation after generation grew up without screens, and found more than enough to do. As a matter of fact, the originators of the first screen technologies never grew up with any of the devices they would go on to create. What was it that allowed them to be so inventive? Out-of-the-box thinking, lots of open space to imagine, time spent in boredom, play, and lots more like it can only come out of a child being allowed to be a child.
You Already Know The Answer
You do not need to be a child development expert to know what to do when it comes to the screen technologies and your child. Push aside the hype, the doubts and the fears. You already have everything you need to know about what kids need to develop in a healthy way.
Spend more time looking at your kids. Where do you think the use of technology in your child’s life flies in the face of their inherent wisdom to develop? Pay attention. It’s everywhere when you know what to look for.
When you allow your children time for a childhood and an adolescence free of excessive screen influence, you can look forward to children who know how to entertain themselves and have the ability to turn boredom into something valuable.
You can see it in the distortions in our young people’s posture and body language. It is in the way they orient to and crave machines over people. It is in their lack of attention, eye contact, creativity and the ability to be alone comfortably. It is in the way they would rather text than talk. It is in their fears, anxieties and behavioral outbursts. It is in the way they remain motionless, glued and transfixed by a screen, despite the basic and natural imperative to move.
You can see it when the deep necessity of face-to-face time with children of all ages and caregivers in real time is regularly interrupted by screen use. It is evident when we put babies and young children in front of a screen to keep them quiet and occupied despite the collective wisdom that tells us that mobility and exploration in young children is essential. You can observe it when the crucial and sensitive work in adolescence of developing an independent sense of self along with social skills is daily distorted through unlimited and unmonitored access to cell phones and social media.
If your child would rather be in front of a screen than with people, if your child is exhausted because of late nights up with their devices, if they are being entertained by violence, if they cannot be alone, if they are anxious, if they cannot fall asleep on their own, if they tantrum when screens are taken away, if they live more in the virtual world than the real world, if they spend more time desperately seeking “likes” than actually living their lives, you already have your answer.
What You Can Look Forward To
When you allow your children time for a childhood and an adolescence free of excessive screen influence, you can look forward to children who know how to entertain themselves and have the ability to turn boredom into something valuable. You can count on children who can be alone with themselves and enjoy the company they keep. You can look forward to less nagging and arguments over homework and chores because of them being lost in a virtual reality. Less friction between you and them allows for other possibilities in your home, like the deepening of your connection to them, and a more peaceful feeling in your home.
You can also look forward to kids who get the sleep they need, allowing them to be healthier, easier to get along with and more successful in school. You can count on children who know what matters most. You can look forward to kids who naturally make eye contact, are not afraid to talk on the phone or put themselves out there in new or challenging social situations. These are kids who are not anxious or depressed because of screen over-stimulation, and who love to read, play music, hang out and converse, along with whatever else is theirs to uniquely tune into with a deep inner resourcefulness they call their own. Best of all, they know how to ground themselves through the time they spend with their family, so you can expect to be in relationship with individuals who know how to think for themselves and value connection. This is the very, very short list.
Back To Basics
Try a thought experiment where you imagine back before there were the technologies we have now. During those times, what do you imagine the adults would say children needed to be healthy and connected? What were the most important things children had and did to grow into healthy and resilient adults? In this thought experiment, you might also imagine what it is on the most basic of survival levels what your child could absolutely not live without? You might even pretend to have a conversation with a distant and wise relative who could help you see through the hype and the pressures around technology and your children, perspectives that might help you see that despite the presence of cell phones and lap tops, human biology and psychology has not changed.
Screens do not smile or offer a hug. They cannot set an appropriate limit. They cannot guide your children to love themselves or convey how much they matter. They will never teach them how to self-regulate or read an emotional cue from another. They will not help your child eat well or get the sleep they need. They will never help them engage in healthy movement or habits. They will not mitigate the roots of loneliness, boredom or temper tantrums. They are not the source of creativity. And they will never, ever, be an adequate substitute for you or friends in real time.
Potent Questions
No child comes into the world needing a screen to be fulfilled, connected or happy. The questions below can serve as powerful check-ins to help you be on the lookout for what is being replaced in your child’s childhood that they cannot afford to miss out on.
What does it mean if the biggest influence in your child’s life comes out of a machine?
Without the electronics, what would your child naturally gravitate to?
When have you seen your child experience true happiness?
What does it mean for your kids if they believe their value is based on “likes?”
When you first had your child, was there a feeling you had about what you wanted to give to them or the kind of world you wanted to create for them?
Practical Go-To’s
While we could argue that modern life requires certain technological things of us now, we must endeavor to remember that the true necessities of childhood are love, friendship, protection, clean food and water, sleep, time to play, a sane and humane pace, a safe environment, human connection and a right to innocence. Below are some ways to ensure your children have the time, the space and the protection they need to grow in healthy ways.
Do not start any habit you do not want to maintain. Avoid using the digital world as a pacifier.
Out of sight. Out of mind. Do not allow the technologies to be so readily available.
Keep electronics out of their play — period — whether on their own or with other kids.
Dedicate a bin to childhood. Stock it with ingredients for their own creations.
Let your children be bored. Boredom is the road to creativity and self-empowerment.
Stay vigilant to noticing machine themes. If you hear your child mimicking screen life, they are being robbed of their originality.
Your children need to be outside — every single day, and not organized by you.
Reduce or eliminate screen exposure as often as you can and for as long as you can. Give them the chance to be children.
Before you say, “Yes,” ask yourself, “Is this choice age-appropriate?” Let their developing needs inform you as a leading edge. Notice without assuming.
Prevent the void. Without your presence, screens will fill the space that is yours to fill.
Look through the lens of a lifetime. What you choose for them today, they will choose for themselves tomorrow.
Avoid a seamless life. Let there be difficulties, boredom and inconvenience. This is what builds character.
Excerpted with permission from Remembering What Matters Most: A Call to Courage for Parents Ready to Take a Stand for Childhood in the Age of Technology by Susan McNamara. 2025, The Farm at Avalon Press.
Susan McNamara moved out to the woods of Western Massachusetts with her husband and two children with the aim of living closer to the land and what it is that human beings actually need to thrive. For thirty years she has been focused on living according to what matters most to her. Her most recent book, Remembering What Matters Most: A Call to Courage for Parents Ready to Take a Stand for Childhood in The Age of Technology is now available. She can be reached at RememberingWhatMattersMost.com
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