How often when we mentally sweep over our lives do we somehow forget the positives, focusing only on the disasters and successes we didn’t achieve instead of acknowledging and applauding ourselves? We may even feel a persistent nagging that, despite our accomplishments and kudos from others, we know we’re really a fraud and terrified everyone will find out.
Like my two writer friends. Elizabeth recently received her second doctorate, has over a dozen articles in scholarly journals, and was one of two candidates for a top post at a national university. Following another article acceptance, she whispered to me, “I’m sure they’ll find out. I really don’t know how to do scholarship. And that man with the three PhDs will get the post.”
And James is a talented writer who just sealed a three-book deal with a major publishing house. When he told me his great news, he said, “How the hell am I going to keep this whole thing up? They’ll find out I can’t write and void my contract.”
My friends were exhibiting “imposter syndrome,” common among many successful people. They were experiencing the three main barriers to accepting and acknowledging ourselves: we feel (a) we won’t be able to repeat the good thing (it was a fluke), (b) something bad will happen next (the other shoe will drop), or (c) it’s not seemly or modest (women especially).
Women seem to suffer from a what’s-wrong-with-me perspective more than men, but that’s because false modesty has been bred into women with roots in the post-Victorian mentality that it’s not seemly for a women to accept compliments or take credit for her magnificence. “Oh, I’m just a…” “Thanks, but I had a lot of help.” “It was nothing.” Such self-deprecating declarations only flatten us, not flatter us.
This self-betrayal often surfaces as anxiety, overeating, overshopping, overdrinking, TV bingeing, gaming, depression, vague illnesses, even suicidal thoughts. We know something’s wrong and yet, supported by our generational conditioning and society’s approval of our repressed self, we don’t know how to fix it.
Hubris Or Wholesome Acceptance Of Credit?
Maybe we’re afraid that, if we accept a compliment without disclaimer — “Oh, this old thing!” — we’ll be accused of hubris. But, does accepting the compliment telegraph inordinate egotism or glorification of ourselves? Absolutely not!
If we’re feeling uncomfortable accepting a compliment, we can remind ourselves that one success doesn’t assure the next. We still have to do the hard work. As every writer, actor, athlete, painter, and countless others know, each new accomplishment is a new test, a new demand to trust ourselves.
But when we have trouble accepting deserved compliments and believing them of ourselves, how do we change?
Give Your Life A New Job Description
First, ask yourself, Whose life am I living? Whose voice is in my head — a parent, a teacher who’s told me what I should do, a mentor who’s told me who I should be? As life teacher Wayne Dyer says, give your life “a new job description.”
In an often-quoted passage, spiritual teacher Marianne Williamson says, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?”
Then she asks the final question: “Who are you not to be?”
Following from this insight, claim and celebrate your victories, small and large: I got up early. Stayed in bed later. Held a door for my neighbor. Refused the brownie. Ate the brownie. Called the creditor. Finished the story. Got the prize.
If we don’t own our successes, beauty, and greatness, we’re buying into the assumption that we must be less than who we really are. Such an assumption denies our flowering of who we want to be and fully can be.
As we unearth and gently begin to acknowledge and publicize our victories, we help not only ourselves but also others. Details may be different, and gender hardly matters, but the example of our firm and joyous self-recognition without apology helps others relate to their own, and they gain courage from ours.
The more we courageously step forward and unabashedly embrace our positives, the more we help others to do the same. We are wholly worthy to take in all the good and joy of our world.
Noelle Sterne, PhD, is a writer, dissertation coach and editor, facilitator for other writers and spiritual counselor. She helps advanced graduate students finish their dissertations and obtain the long-cherished dreams of their doctoral degrees. Visit trustyourlifenow.com.
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