For ten years, my husband and I have welcomed foster children into our home — 17 young people from ages 3 to 17. The children come with their own set of stories, personalities, and histories, but they all share one thing: trauma.
Trauma manifests in various ways, often showing up in emotional dysregulation, behavioral issues, and struggles with trust and attachment. What they all need, regardless of age or background, is a sense of safety, stability, and grounding.
Over the years, I’ve come to realize that in addition to providing basic care, a critical aspect of helping these children begin to self-regulate and heal is being able to hold space for them. It’s a co-regulation practice that requires patience, mindfulness, and a deep sense of empathy.
It’s not always easy. At times, it feels as though the weight of the world rests on your shoulders, especially when you’re faced with a child who is struggling to cope with deep-seated fear and uncertainty. However, one thing that has consistently helped me navigate the emotional landscape of fostering is my mindfulness practice and energy-awareness skills.
Using Intuitive Mindfulness In Parenting Children With Trauma
Mindfulness, at its core, is the practice of staying present, of observing our thoughts, emotions, and sensations without judgment. This skill has been invaluable in my work with children, especially those who have been through traumatic experiences. Combined with my awareness of the energy centers in the body and the energy field that we all connect through, intuitive mindfulness helps me understand children when they can’t articulate calmly the why and how of their struggle.
Trauma in children shows up in a variety of ways. Some children may experience extreme emotional dysregulation, where their feelings seem to swing from one extreme to another without warning. Others may engage in behavior that challenges the boundaries of the home, displaying aggression, withdrawal, or defiance.
One of the most challenging aspects is responding to these behaviors without reacting impulsively or emotionally. There were many times in the early years when I felt overwhelmed by frustration or anxiety, unsure of how to help a child who seemed unreachable. But over time, I’ve learned that cultivating a mindful response — staying calm and focused in the moment — helps me avoid reacting from a place of frustration or fear. This response is possible because of a regular intuitive meditation practice that guides me to fill my cup of self-care.
A Moment of Calm Amid Chaos
A few years ago, a young boy around 8 years old came to stay with us. He had been removed from a home where neglect and violence were common. The first few days were difficult. He was angry, distant, and resistant to everything we did; simple tasks like eating dinner or brushing his teeth became a battleground.
The turning point came one evening when, after a particularly difficult day, he lashed out in anger and threw a toy across the room. Instead of reacting with my usual “Stop that!” or “Calm down!” I paused and felt into my energy, curious about what I was noticing physically, but also mentally and emotionally. I took a deep breath and reminded myself to ground my energy first, so that I could hold space for his emotions.
I took a moment to sit down on the ground so I wasn’t standing over him. Then I spoke from my heart, engaging this energy with gentle awareness as I said, “I see that you’re really upset right now. Can we try something together as I want to help you feel better?”
I took a moment to sit down on the ground so I wasn’t standing over him. Then I spoke from my heart, engaging this energy with gentle awareness as I said, “I see that you’re really upset right now. Can we try something together as I want to help you feel better?”
His response was a wary but curious look. Engaging my awareness of the heart, I gently guided him through a simple breathing exercise that can help children with their anger called the Balloon Breath.
The Balloon Breath: A Simple Mindfulness Exercise
This mindfulness exercise is effective for children of all ages, especially those who are dealing with trauma. The goal is to get the child to focus on their out breath. Sometimes, we actually blow up a balloon together, or, if more appropriate, we engage their imagination to create an imaginary balloon.
It works well if a child is angry and wants to swear and shout. If you have a real balloon, you guide them to blow it up, and think about all the anger and swear words moving out into the balloon. When it’s full, they let it go, and the balloon blows raspberries, which usually leads to some giggling and laughter.
If you don’t have a balloon, you can imagine one and guide them to focus on the color, the balloon getting bigger, and filling with all the feelings they want to release. Then, when you imagine letting it go, you blow raspberries, and there are giggles.
Without realizing it, this is one of the most effective ways to help children switch on their inner calm button. Focusing on the out breath (blowing up the balloon) sends a relaxation signal to the nervous system. It helps them acknowledge their feelings rather than tuck them away for a postponed explosion of behavior. And the laughter or giggles releases endorphins, which also serve as a stress release for the nervous system.
Trauma-Sensitive Mindfulness: Adapting To Each Child’s Needs
While mindfulness and intuitive meditation skills are powerful tools, it’s crucial to approach them with trauma sensitivity. The last thing we want to do is inadvertently trigger a child’s trauma by offering exercises that don’t take their past experiences into account. For instance, many children who have experienced trauma may have difficulty with certain mindfulness practices, like closing their eyes or lying down. These actions could make them feel too vulnerable or evoke unsettling memories for a trauma-experienced young person.
Compassion fatigue is a real issue for parents, foster parents and others working with vulnerable, trauma-experienced children, and it’s often the reason foster carers give up their important roles.
It’s important to be aware of their body language and adjust the practice accordingly. Instead of suggesting they lie down, we might offer them the option to sit comfortably or even stand. Allowing them to keep their eyes open, or even choose a spot in the room where they feel safe, can help reduce any feelings of vulnerability.
When it comes to guiding children through mindfulness practices, being flexible and adaptable is key. What works for one child may not work for another. One child may enjoy sitting quietly in a chair, while another might need to move around and focus on one of their senses, like touch or sound. The essence of practicing mindfulness with children who have experienced trauma is to make it as accessible and non-threatening as possible.
The Power Of Choice
Empowerment is another aspect of trauma-sensitive mindfulness. Allowing children to choose their approach within the framework of mindfulness gives them a sense of agency. In some cases, you might provide them with the option to pick a color for their balloon or decide how long they’d like to practice breathing. Giving them control can help mitigate the sense of helplessness that many children with trauma have felt in the past.
Grounding Ourselves: The Importance Of Self-Care For Parents
As parents, we often find ourselves giving so much to the children in our care that we forget about our own needs. This is where mindfulness and energy awareness benefit not only the children, but also us as caregivers. When dealing with challenging behaviors or emotional outbursts, it’s easy to become reactive or overwhelmed. However, by practicing mindfulness ourselves and tuning into our personal energy needs, we can remain grounded and present, not only for the child but for our individual well-being.
For example, during a particularly tough week when we were caring for a child with severe behavioral issues, I found myself on the edge of burnout. The constant emotional turbulence, coupled with a lack of sleep, and the impact of menopause began to take its toll. I had to remind myself that in order to care for others, I needed to care for myself first.
In that moment, I took five minutes to step outside, sit quietly, and breathe. I allowed myself to reconnect with the present moment, noticing the sounds of birds in the trees and the gentle breeze on my skin. I imagined tuning into the energy of nature, which is completely grounding for the nervous system. This small practice helped me ground my energy, reestablishing my energy roots, which then gave me the clarity I needed to return to the situation with more patience and calm, rather than frustration. It also helped me reduce the likelihood of falling into compassion fatigue.
Combatting Compassion Fatigue
Compassion fatigue is a real issue for parents, foster parents and others working with vulnerable, trauma-experienced children, and it’s often the reason foster carers give up their important roles. There is a danger that, as a caregiver, you may become emotionally drained and eventually feel disconnected. Having mindfulness skills helps mitigate this risk. When we remain grounded and aware of our emotional states, we are better able to identify when we need to take a step back, recharge, and seek external support.
For instance, if I notice that I’m becoming short-tempered or emotionally overwhelmed, I use a grounding exercise like meditating in an Epsom salts bath, helping my body and energy to restabilize.
Fostering children with trauma is one of the most challenging and rewarding experiences a person can have. It requires a deep well of patience, understanding, and empathy. But it also requires tools — tools that can help both the children and the caregivers navigate the emotional landscape that trauma creates. Mindfulness and meditation have been invaluable tools in my own journey as a foster mom.
By practicing mindfulness, we can stay present and reduce the natural tendency to react emotionally to challenging situations. This not only helps us as parents, but also creates a safe and grounded space for the children to heal. Mindfulness helps us meet each child where they are, without rushing them or pushing them to “get over” their pain. It allows us to honor their journey, while also teaching them the tools to regain control over their emotions and find peace amidst the chaos.
If you’re parenting or fostering a child with trauma, remember that small, mindful moments can make a big difference. Whether it’s through simple breathing exercises, being present in silence, or holding space for their emotions, these small acts can lead to profound healing. Just as importantly, as caregivers, we must use mindfulness to keep ourselves grounded, protecting our own emotional well-being so that we can continue offering the children in our care the patience, presence, and love they so desperately need.
Lorraine Murray is a foster mom, author, and founder of Connected Kids, a worldwide online program of thousands of adults and children sharing the benefits of meditation and mindfulness training for children and teens. Her first book, Calm Kids, has been translated into five languages.
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